January 2012
1 post
August 2011
1 post
June 2011
4 posts
Re-reading the Bible
I’ve read large portions of the Bible in my Catholic school days and my non-Catholic school days. However, I’ve never read the book in its entirety, cover to cover. So, here goes another attempt at that. Along the way, I may take time to put finger to keyboard about it. Here goes:
Right now I’m only at Genesis (band and video game jokes here), but I’m excited. Here’s...
Insert dick joke here (Insert butt joke here)
My initial thought: Weinergate proved that even progressives can be scumbags, but at least they’re progressive. Now go rack up a Newt Gingrich-like bill at Tiffany’s, Congressman. …again, he’s still a scumbag. Unless his wedding vows contained permission for him to do this for some odd reason, he shouldn’t have done it. He should have confessed immediately instead of...
Florida
The problem is that anyone can Google “How to pass a drug test.” It’s an easy-to-overcome obstacle for the dishonest and an inconvenience for honest people, who are already beaten down by a weakened economy and who could potentially be deprived of assistance due to false positives (rare, but possible).
It’s not that I enjoy people cheating the system. It’s that I...
Chris Christie: Seemingly Good Father, Obviously...
I want to be governor.
You get to promise your child that you’ll take them on vacation if you get elected. Then, you completely neglect the reason you’re fulfilling that promise in the first place, thereby going against an even bigger promise you made to an entire state.
Also, you get to espouse fiscal responsibility while deploying a helicopter for your own personal use so you...
May 2011
1 post
March 2011
1 post
February 2011
2 posts
Happy 100th Birthday, Buddy! →
“While wealthy Americans benefited from Reagan’s tax policies, blue-collar Americans paid a higher percentage of their income in taxes when Reagan left office than when he came in.”
So that’s your guy, average American? You miss HIM? Really?
Well, you’re amongst the stars now, Mr. Reagan…which your wife is using to predict the future!!!
January 2011
6 posts
Anybody else notice...
the Westboro Baptist Church’s god is kind of a douchebag?
Hypocrite Watch. Episode #1
jenkirkman:
WASHINGTON — Two House Republicans have cast votes as members of the 112th Congress, but were not sworn in on Wednesday, a violation of the Constitution on the same day that the GOP had the document read from the podium.
The Republicans, incumbent Pete Sessions of Texas and freshman Mike Fitzpatrick, missed the swearing in because they were at a fundraiser in the Capitol Visitors...
“Be calm, like a giant tree in a storm.”
– My…fortune? Do they still call the text on those little pieces of paper in cookies by that name? Anyway, this message really just perpetuates stereotypes about giant trees. Consider me offended.
December 2010
4 posts
Wow, I don't think I've ever heard him tell this...
I made a Mickey Mouse head on my plate out of some tortillas. This action inspired the following exchange (well, one person didn’t say anything):
Dad: Did you hear Mickey Mouse is getting divorced?
Mom: …
Dad: (offhandedly) Because Minnie is fucking goofy…
Reverse Karma? or "Why I hate it when people bring...
So I ordered some sneakers made by an eco-friendly company for Christmas, and I won’t see or wear them until July…the other Christmas.
Meanwhile, herds of cattle are being slaughtered to make leather boots for some fashionable pricks, who probably make millions of dollars off of screwing other people over…
I’m assuming that’s the case, anyway.
Why can’t I get...
Jen Kirkman - comedian: Bernie Sanders Takes on... →
jenkirkman:
Here is a reprint from a letter from Senator Bernie Sanders (Ind- Vermont)
President Obama is right about one thing — Republicans in Congress are holding the middle class hostage. We have a $13.8 trillion national debt, a collapsing middle class and the most unequal distribution of wealth of any…
November 2010
2 posts
Gluttony
After eating almost $40 worth of Chinese food and drinking an entire two liter bottle of soda this weekend, I got a fortune that said, “Consume less. Share more. Enjoy life.”
At least I covered the last part pretty thoroughly…
Jen Kirkman - comedian: Photo Michael Moore Showed... →
jenkirkman:
If you can pay attention for five minutes without getting your panties in a bunch with your knee-jerk, “I hate Michael Moore” reaction - calm down and check this out. He told this (historically accurate - look it up) anecdote on Bill Mahr’s “Real Time” tonight. As a middle-class person, originally…
October 2010
6 posts
The Election can't come soon enough...
Attached to a traffic pole was a cardboard sign that proclaimed, “Demos will turn (TOWN NAME) into (OTHER TOWN NAME).”
What I took from this message was that the writer did not care for a particular town, nor did they care for the Democrats…
But what really spoke volumes about this sign was that the cardboard was originally designed to hold beer…
Hmm.
Maybe you should...
My plan
We need an army of gay muslims to strategically move into neighborhoods across the country, so people can finally overcome their ignorance, accept others, and realize there are actual problems in the world…including the people who made them fearful in the first place.
Thank you.
Um...
Would it have killed someone to get a new picture of Faisal Shahzad for the latest new stories?
…poor choice of words, I know. I’m sorry.
But honestly, it’s been a while since that happened. The only new thing I saw were those court room sketches, which never cease to delight me. If I ever end up in court, I want a caricature artist to do that. That way, all the jurors will be...
I forgot to mention...
I don’t update my Tumblr often, so I thought I’d share a story nobody will read:
The other day, I was sitting on a bench waiting for a bus. It was cold and rainy, and I was shivering and tapping my feet to pass the time. I also wanted to keep moving to make up for the fact that I wasn’t going anywhere. Suddenly, I noticed a guy with earbuds on nearby, and he was staring at me....
Analogies...
“When you want to go forward in your car, you put it in “D.” When you want to go backward, you put it in “R.” We want to go forward. We have to put it in “D.””
- Barack Obama’s Facebook
I think the problem on some people’s minds is that this car called America is stuck in neutral.
September 2010
5 posts
An excerpt from my "SyFy Product Placement...
SCENE: A DOCTOR’S LABORATORY. A NEW EXPERIMENT HAS GONE HORRIBLY AWRY…
Scientist #1: My god, what is it?
Scientist #2: Your guess is as good as mine…so what’s your guess?
Scientist #1: Is it a pillow?
Scientist #2: Is it a pet?
ENTER DR. CRAY, THE INFAMOUS SCIENTIST.
Dr. Cray: No, you’re both wrong…it’s a pillow pet!
LIGHTNING FLASHES IN THE LAB AND...
bikel jackson: I want to be in a video game! →
bikeljackson:
I was walking down 2nd street and some guy at a table asked if I wanted to be in a video game. At that moment, somewhere deep down in the bottom of my core, my inner child pressed pause on his PS controller, while playing FFVII and screamed, “YYYYYEEESSSSSS!”
So I told the guy, “Okay.”
The game…
And then there's this thing...
I took my almost-four-month-old (if I’m counting correctly, which doesn’t always happen) nephew and my almost-four-year-old (“if I’m counting…”) dog out for a walk earlier today. For some reason, the baby’s socks kept falling off. We stopped at some point, and when my sister went to retrieve one of the socks from the ground, I looked at the baby and said,...
Sarah Palin Writes (giving her benefit of the...
“Had we followed the course advocated by then-candidates Obama and Biden, the Iraq war would be remembered now as a crushing defeat for the United States and our allies. Al Qaeda in Iraq and Iranian supported extremists would have claimed victory over America – with grave implications for us throughout the region and the world. Iraq would have descended into full-scale civil war....
August 2010
11 posts
WANRING: MISSPELLED SIGN
Stupid, jokey title…anyway, here’s the real reason I’m posting:
“Many rides at Dorney Park & Wildwater Kingdom are dynamic and thrilling. There are inherent risks in riding any amusement ride. For your protection, each ride is rated for its special features, such as high speed, steep drops, sharp turns or other dynamic forces. If you choose to ride, you accept all...
Dawn of the Teabaggers
The helicopter landed on the roof of a library. The pilot and passengers got out and looked at their surroundings. There were no signs of them…meaning there were no poorly written signs. “Where are they?” asked the woman. “Not here,” said the pilot “this wasn’t an important place in their lives.”
Just a few more thoughts...
I was watching CNN earlier today. A man outside of the proposed mosque (community center) location was painting a picture in protest. When asked by a reporter how far away it should be from Ground Zero, he referred to her question as “crazy” and basically said he wasn’t sure.
So a man gets asked a basic question about something he’s obviously opinionated about, yet he...
I'll take these ones for you, Mr. President
PREFACE
I’ll openly admit that I am not as familiar with other religions as I’d like to be. I was raised Catholic and currently consider myself to be agnostic. I believe far too many people live willfully ignorant of other beliefs, because it contradicts (and may make them question) their own. Given my attempts to be more open-minded about other religions, I feel guilty not...
You're a talking point, not a human being
Politicians and political commentators are using 9/11 victims as reason to oppose the NY mosque, yet they oppose aid to those who still suffer as a result of the tragedy.
FOX news gives air time to those who oppose the mosque due to 9/11 victims…when they’re not running stories about how firefighters and policemen are bankrupting the country.
So…
Are the first responders...
Priorities
I like how Jason Alexander did commercials for fast food, then for Jenny Craig.
I hear he’s planning on doing some ointment ads after completing his stint as the spokesperson for unprotected sex.
July 2010
7 posts
Bunnies and Wolverines...
Having watched The Adventures of the American Rabbit and Red Dawn this summer, I’m now nostalgic for The Cold War. This real war stuff is just too much…seriously.
This is so much fun!
Huckle fired a barrage of bullets into the crowd. Suddenly, his gun began to click, begging for more ammunition. As he pulled another clip from pocket, the police pulled up in their vehicles. They yelled at him to drop his weapon, but he couldn’t. He lost his only friend to a horrible bird attack, and it was up to him to get even with the world. Shots were fired, and he felt the bullets rip...
God, this is so much fun...
He sat around the studio, waiting for showtime as usual. His makeup ran a little as he perspired. It wasn’t the studio lights that made him so hot, but the excitement of what would soon occur. Becky was not there yet, but she would be. Would she approve of his diabolical scheme? He hoped so. He couldn’t wait to tell the entire city, live on television. He pulled the detonator from his...
Gasland
I watched this documentary last night/early this morning, and now I’m sorry I even included natural gas in my Sarah Palin rant. I think I’m going to read up some more on what goes into the process of obtaining natural gas and what progress has been made politically in regards to safety. I felt really awful while watching it, and my optimism is not prevailing in regards to this topic.
...
Fan Fiction and Fan(s) Fan Fiction
I’ve been posting these on my Facebook account one at a time. I decided to compile them all here with a “too-inappropriate-for-Facebook” BONUS one at the end! Enjoy (if at all possible):
The adolescent, acne-scarred Jedi swung his lightsaber in anger. Aside from his anger and his thoughts, he was all alone in his room. He longed for companionship. He ached for guidance. He was...
